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| March 14, 2009 Greetings from Vancity. Once again my oh so charming whit almost got me into trouble. I was gigging last night at "Lafflines" here in Vancouver. All night there was a table of drunks who we just being loud and stupid...I know what are the odds. They were talking throughout everyone's set so when I got up there I thought I'll shut them up. Right off the top I shot down this drunk chick who wouldn't shut up. Making several references to her just getting out of prison. I mentioned I was from Montreal to which she screamed....." I don't hear your French accent" Of course I fired back with.." Funny your mom heard it all last night!!!" Very weird to make a mama joke to a woman. As the night went the table would not shut up. At one point I ask is everything ok....my way of saying.."SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" The head drunk said to me..." We're just trying to eat" I said....." I just trying to do my job....I don't slap the dicks out of your mouth when you're working" An oldie but a goodie! So the night ends, I wasn't happy with my show but the people seemed to be. Finally that group left. They were friends of the doorman who said and I quote.." For Angels they weren't that bad" My ears perked up..."They were HELLS ANGELS!!!!" I spent the whole night ripping bikers.....good career move!!!! I almost became a mantle piece. Ahhh the glamourous life I lead. I'm out here for another day then off to calgary...can't wait to see what happens next. As always Positive Vibes to all February 11, 2009 OK this is even a long for me not to blog ! I apologize as usual. What can I tell you?? Alot of fun and weird things have been happening to me. Where do I start ?????? Let me tell you about my flights from hell in December. I was booked to do some shows in Calgary. My flight there was leaving on a Wednesday morning at 9am BUT the night before Montreal got hit with this massive snow storm. So I call for a cab...THE NIGHT BEFORE to pick me up at 6:30am. So I wait outside FREEZING..and wait and wait now it's 730 no cab so I decide I'll have to drive to the airport...after taking 15 minutes to brush off my car I get in only to get stuck in my parking lot...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK !!!! I get out and get slammed in traffic so now I've missed my flight. I go back home and get my bud to drive me. Now I have a gig in Calgary at 8:30 (keep this in mind) I`m able to get another flight leaving at 230..( It`s 930 now) going through Winnipeg (remember that city...you`ll see why later) which is fine but I arrive in Calgary at...you guessed it 830 !!!! I call my bud in C-town and he says he`ll delay the show as long as possible. Now I hadn't shaved or showered before leaving. Figuring I'll have time when I get to Calgary...but not anymore. So I went to the bathroom and proceeded to shave and give my-self a biker bath...I know I`m too glamorous. I get on the plane make it to Winnipeg. I get on my flight to Calgary. So I`ve been up since 530am, stressed and stuck in snow so I'm not in the best shape. The plane lands in Calgary my cell rings. My bud is waiting outside for me. Coolio, now the adventure of waiting for my luggage. Well the airport gods must have felt sorry for me. My bags were the 2nd and 3rd off the plane. I jumped in the car and we`re off. On the way I`m changing my cloths for the gig. I get to the gig at 915 and I was on stage at 930. What a day!!! I never wanted to go through that again.... WELL !!!!!! It`s the following Monday and now I`m flying home. I attempted to fly home a day earlier until I found out it would cost....$800 to rebook.....FUUUCK again. So my flight was leaving Calgary at 7;10am so I was there at 530am.... No way was I going to miss this flight. My arrival time in Montreal was 1;10pm (once again remember this ) Now, I have to be home at 2 for an important meeting. So were sitting and it`s 710 and the pilots says,"We`re just waiting for some people, it will be a moment``. 7;45am ``We`re still waiting for some people, it will be a moment." Still waiting!!!!! Had I known that they would wait this long I wouldn't have missed my 1st flight. 8;00am. "We need to de-ice the plane before take off`` Of course you do... Why not get the fuckers who were late to do it....8;20am.."We're having a problem with the water on the plane...it wont be a moment".......8;45am "We fixed the water problem but we need to de-ice the plane again"......I wish I was making this up. So 9;10am we finally take off. I called and arranged to make my appointment for later. We're flying and they announce that they have no running only bottled water and no TV. Well, I'm glad you took all that time to fix that WATER problem!!! About 2 hours into the flight this girl beside me comes back and tells me the bathrooms don't work...I say use the ones in 1st class...they done work either...then the pilot announces...."I understand the bathrooms don't work, I have no choice but to make an emergency landing in, you guessed it... WINNIPEG!!! I hadn't been there in 10 years and now twice in 5 days. We land with no idea how long this will be...I cancel my appointment....make a few calls home...no one is believing my day..frankly neither am I. After only an hour we're back up in the air.....I believe the Wright brothers built this plane. So we're flying and we're making our final approach into Montreal..WOOHOO this is over....but wait....I feel the plane descending, descending then all of a sudden it takes off again......the pilot announces.."Sorry folks we missed our approach I'm going to have to circle around and try again....WHAT THE FUCK !!!! I'm never going to see my house again....Now on the 2nd approach...it wasn't nearly as smooth and we start hitting turbulance...well the girl beside me is throwing up....my heart is pounding and I'm begging my dad..whom I talk to when I'm stressed...please daddy....LAND THIS FUCKING PLANE!!!!!! We land finally...I practically ran off the plane..I was about to light up right there. I get outside and INHALE a cig in about 4 drags..... Now lets review......my flight was suppose to leave at 7;10am arriving in Montreal at 1;10pm.....direct....well it left at 9;10pm stopped in Winnipeg and arrived...on the 2nd try at 5;30pm!!!!!!! I'm sure this happens to George Clooney all the time. Now to some dry land stories. I did a gig for some cops at Xmas. Good bunch of guys who gave me a standing ovation after the show. Always appreciated. I was talking to the Chief and I asked him.."How long have you been a cop?" he answered and I quote."I was in uniform when you were in liquid form!!!!" In 14 years of stand up that was the greatest answer I ever got. Laughed my ass off. Finally,this next story is just retarded. I was gigging in Syracuse and I was closing my show. The crowd was hot and I was having the bestest time. I start to do my closing number, (for those of you who haven't seen me, I do a dance ) I'm half way through my dance when this DRUNK ASS old woman gets on stage with me. I was in shock. I didn't see her coming...apparently neither did the doorman. So I try I move her off the stage and she goes FLYING into the crowd. Well, I just stopped my dance and walked off the stage. Well, her date got up in the club managers face and wanted to go. Streaming that I shouldn't have touched her. The manager screamed back...."the fuck is that bitch doing on my stage!!" Thanks Bruno !!! Nothing happened after I'm sure she's telling her friends at Betty ford about it. So those are the highlights of the last few months. I'll be back...hopefully sooner rather than later as always POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL October 24, 2008 Hey again I gotta tell you this story. I did a gig last night in another small town in Saskatchewan. As you can imagine your typical redneck bar. People drinking since March lots of NASCAR and free beer case t-shirts. So you already know I'm blending in quite nicely. Anyway, I'm sitting in the bar of the bar chillin when I notice one of those machines that has the claw that drops down and you try to pick up teddy bears and other stuffies. Well this one also gave you the chance to pick up PORNOS !!!! They had about a dozen porno DVDS in there. WOW....I play all the classy joints. The gig goes on and I start makin fun of this kid who's trying to be black. Nothing mean just bugging him. So he gets up and starts walking to the stage. Now, I know he's not coming after me so I ask him, " Why are you coming up here?" He stands beside me and makes a fist so I can pound it. Then he just stands there. So being the classy guy I am I say.." Listen I'm not a ventriloquist, sit the fuck down" The crowd loved it. Once again I have all the fun. I'm out here for 2 more days. Can't wait to see what happens next. Positive Vibes to all !! October 22, 2008 I know I know I haven't blogged in months!!! I'm sorry, to be honest it's been a little quiet on the comedy front but most enjoyable. Got a chance to catch up on home life and gear up for a busy winter. I'm finally back on the road in Saskatchewan I know stop braggin. But, I do have a story. I did a gig out here in a town of 1100 people....they don't have a Tim Horton's...trust me that's small. Needless to say I was the only let's say "guy with a tan" for miles. The gig went well and I was hanging out afterwards. Now it's a small town so everyone knows everyone so not easy to blend in. I was walking around when this VERY drunk guy bumped into me and said...." WOW, you look out of place!!!!" I had to laugh. I'm out here for a few more days which I'm sure will let to more stories. Once again I'll try to blob more and update my schedule. Take care and as usual POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL July 27, 2008 Wow !!! 2 blogs within a week!!! Once again my "No filter" mouth showed up again. I was performing at a golf tournament in Ottawa as part of a fund raiser. I started my routine when this big burly guy started talking to me. Me looked like the "Brawny" paper towel guy. Very nice guy they called "Sparky". So I switched from my material into "let's talk about you mode" I asked him why they call him 'Sparky" He said his dad gave it to him. So being the jerk I am I said," How many houses did you burn down ??" So I went back into material and started doing my Tiger Woods joke. Well "Sparky" chimed in. " I know why you like golf, it's the only chance you get to hit white balls" Said very kindly, no racial tension at before you go "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". So not missing a beat I fired back. " I may not have ever hit any white balls but I had smacked a few white pussy's" Now you can go..."Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" My mom,once again would be proud. Positive vibes to all !!! July 21, 2008 Hey everyone !!!! Well I just finished performing at this year's " Just for Laughs" comedy Festival. Always a thrill but seemed to lack some of the spark of festivals past. BUT, I did get to meet some of my comedy hero's the biggest being Mr. Ron White. I felt like a 12 year old when i asked to take a picture with him...I know "what a dork!!!" I performed as part of the "Ernie Butler tribute show" which was quite an honor and quite the power packed line up. All and all a great time. If you haven't notice I've made some changes to my website. Adding a clips page and a tab for my blog. Let me know what you think. Until next time Positive vibes to all !!! July 11,2008 Hey Y'all !!!!!! Wow another blog and only a week apart.....lol. I'm performing this week at my home away from home ...you guessed it, Absolute Comedy in Toronto. Just wanted to tell you I had the COOLEST day yesterday. I was invited to XM radio to record a "station takeover" for their comedy station "Laugh Attack". Thats when a comic introduces all the segments during the show. Very cool !!! ( BTW the show will air next Friday July 19th @ 4 ) I got to introduce a whole bunch of my comedic brothers and sisters on air. BUT...what was even cooler was I was a guest on NHL Centre Ice !!!! Got a chance to talk hockey and bash the Toronto Maple Leafs for 2 hours. Had the time of my life. I truly enjoy the perks of my job. I have a couple of shows to go here in T.O then home for the "Just for Laughs" festival. If it is anything like the last time I did it I better get my liver and lungs ready. Take care everyone Positive Vibes to all July 4, 2008 Hey everyone !!! Hope you are enjoying the summer. It's been a little quiet but I do have some cool stories. Last week I was gigging at Wiseguy's in Syracuse New York. Great club and had awesome shows but....Saturday night I was chilling in the green room when I heard a weird scratching sound. I didn't think anything of it but next thing you know I look up and see a squirrel staring at me. YES A SQUIRREL !!!!!!!! Not only that she had babies. So I sat there slowing shitting my pants. I have a thing about rodents no matter how cute they look. The owner of the club took care of it. Now, I've played some crappy rooms but never had to share a green room with squirrels. My career is on fire !!!! Speaking about that...2 days later I did a private party for this company. Just a quick set for some good coin. As usual these things never start on time. I didn't care...they had an open bar. Now the plan was to do 20 minutes before the fireworks were to start. As the night went on my time was being shorten from 20 to 15 to 12......like I said I didn't care. So finally the show started..the host did about 12 minutes and introduced me. I went on and by my 3rd joke the guy throwing the party came out and said.."that was funny but the fireworks have started." Everyone went outside. So I did 3 and a half minutes and made $175 a minute...you do the math.......I love my job !!!! Gotta love the show business. I'm off to Toronto next week at Absolute Comedy then the Just for Laughs festival. Hopefully neither place had any squirrels booked. Positive Vibes to all !!! June 10,2008 Hey everyone !!!! Once again i have fallen behind in my blogging. So much has happened in the last little while. Had an AWESOME week at Absolute Comedy in Ottawa. Great shows and record DVD/CD sales. Also, a few years ago I gave what you would call a comedy course to a bunch of up and comers. Just trying to give a little insight in the business. Well one comic named Timothy Reynolds not only listened ( which surprised me that anyone did ) he quoted me and several of my comedy brothers and sisters in a new book called "Stand up and Succeed " which is out now....VERY COOL !!!!!!! Also, I just auditioned for a major role in an upcoming ZOMBIE movie....WOOHOO !!!! Finally I will performing at this years ''Just for Laughs" Comedy festival in Montreal. So excited to be apart of it again. I was asked to perform as part of the tribute show for Ernie Butler how passed away last year. It was an honour to be asked and I won't let him down Positive vibes to all !!! May 16,2008 WOW !!!!!!!! A blog 2 weeks in a row !!! Had a really cool day yesterday that I wanted to share. I recorded an interview for XM RADIO which will air shortly. Had a great time but the coolest part is that I got to do station announcements....you know..." This is Jocko Alston and you're listening to Laugh attack on XM" well I also got to do one for NHL Center Ice....HOW COOL IS THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I had to mention my love for my Edmonton Oilers in the spot....trust me not easy being an Oilers fan in Montreal. I truly enjoy ans appreciate the little things this jobs has provided for me. Also, I was hosting at Absolute Comedy in Toronto, I was speaking to guy who was taking theatre classes. I asked him what type of actor is he hoping to become. ( dramatic comedic yada yada ) when this guy in the back, also a theatre student screamed..."IT'S NOT JUST ACTING YOU KNOW!!!" Well, now it's game on. I said. " I know it's not just about acting...for you it's going to be about you working at McDonald's!!!" Gotta love this "no filter" I have. Heading home soon for more shows. Will try to keep the blogging streak alive POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL May 9,2008 OH MY GOD !!!! I'm actually blogging!!! Too many funny things have happened lately. I did a show at the Funny Farm in N.Y... Small crowd but fun. As I'm doing my act I see this older man nodding off in the front row. ( Nothing builds a comics confidence more ).I said " Don't worry buddy you'll be home soon to a nice warm bowl of oatmeal !!!" At another show which was a fund raiser for a daycare we found out that they had 500 kids that they take care of. I noticed not a single black person in the crowd. You know I had to say something. I took the stage and opened with. "It's always a pleasure to do shows for charity and I understand tonight we're raising money so that you can ...GET SOME BLACK KIDS !! What do you do, send the black kids strait to the factories????" Once again I can't believe the things that come out of my mouth. ( BTW the crowd loved it ) Now this next story is ABSOLUTELY true. I was hosting at Absolute Comedy. Finished my opening set, where I do my standard "black jokes" As I'm standing off stage a guy comes up to me and says, "You do raciest jokes I have one for you to use in your act. Why do black people like basketball? Because it deals with shooting, stealing and passing. Why do white people like basketball. Because it deals with buying,trading and selling niggers" Then he laughed ans said feel free to use that. I love the fact that rednecks don't only live in the south. Sadly this happens more often than not. Assholes misinterpret my jokes about being black ( which are mostly about my LIFE as a black man) as an open invitation to tell me the rudest raciest jokes. Oh well, if I ever do the world famous KKK comedy fest I'll use his joke. Busy month ahead. Will keep you updated Positive vibes to all!! April 12, 2008 OK I know I have been terrible at blogging.i could make up some really cool story involving rednecks and bad gigs...which is my life anyway but truth be told...I've been busy and lazy...so very sorry. I've been busy touring, went out west. Had some great shows but had one guy get offended by my "racist" humour....( He was referring to my black jokes ) oh did I say he was white !!! I contacted the N.A.A.C.P he's up for "man of the year". Getting ready for a busy summer. I recently auditioned for the "Just for Laughs" festival. So keep your fingers crossed. Once again so sorry so the HUGE gaps between blogs....I promise to get my lazy ass in gear. As always POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL!!!! January 5, 2008. Happy New Year one and all. I know as usual I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind in my bloggin. Had a great tour out west. No liver damage this time but not to worry I'm back in March. Getting ready for quite a few new things in 2008. I'll fill you in as things happen. I will once again try to blog weekly and keep everyone up to date. I wish each and everyone all the bestest in 2008. Positive vibes to all December 4,2007 O.K. often people ask me if I live a glamorous life because I get to travel all over. Trust me I have been very fortunate that I have gone to many places I would have never gone if not for my job. All over Canada, parts of the U.S the Dominican Republic and Asia. Staying in some beautiful hotels and seeing some great sites. The beauty of this job is that every once and a while you have a moment that brings you back to earth. That was this last weekend. I was gigging in Cleveland and I arrive at my MOTEL...( just a little tip...NEVER trust any place with MOTEL in its name ) As I pull up every bad horror movie went thru my head. It was dark and dank and just shitty. But, I'm not a diva, maybe nice on the inside. So I get my key...didn't think they used those anymore and I open my door.....WOW !!!!!! It looked like every " CSI drug deal gone bad episode" It smelled and I'm sure this room is normally rented by the "SQUIRT". I knew I wasn't going to stay in that room. I go back down stairs to check out. Along the way on the staircase I find ( thank god it was still in the wrapper ) a magnum condom.....I know stop braggin. As I'm waiting for the manager to come back to the glass encased booth I begin to read the signs on the wall. There was a list of charges for hotel services and I'm NOT joking...... Extra guess........$10 Extra towels.......$10 and........Oh by the way I have stayed in 100s of hotel rooms and I have never seen this sign before.... REMOVAL OF BLOOD STAINS.......$20...I kid you not. There's something you'll never see in a Mastercard commerical. Safe it to say I didn't stay there..but it did remind me of the glamourous life I lead Positive and bloodstain free vibes to all November 27,2007 Hey everyone !!! Once again I have fallen behind in my blogging. Been busy running around...ahh the glamour. Gigged recently at the brand new Absolute Comedy in Toronto. Beautiful club please check it out. As always people tell me the stupidest things. I'm in the back of the club selling my stuff and a guy comes up to me and says..." Great show...listen has this ever happened to you....you're taking a shit and it doesn't come out. You sit there straining for ever.....what would you do??"" Well, I wouldn't be telling everyone!!!!" it always amazes me how open people are with the details of there life. Other than that keeping busy...off to Alberta for another "Redneck Tour" always a great time and liver killing tour. Once again I'll try to keep up. Positive Vibes to all October 15,2007 I know I know....I haven't updated this in a while I know. I am sorry. Where do i begin. I had an amazing and interesting time on my Asian. Let em tell you I have new respect for pilots. I spent 19 hours flying to Japan. Thats 400 hours in smokers years. When i go there it was quite a culture shock. Not being able to read the signs or understand anyone is weird. Also, no to many brothas out there. Also they are not a tall people so I felt quite shaquille out There sushi is dirt cheap...I know what a shock but EVERYBODY SMOKES !!! So that was a relief. But the smoking area outside Nirita airport in Tokyo is an actual room !!! Wouldn't want the tobacco to mix with the exhaust !!! My 1st night I was outside smoking on a base and I said..." That's weird you normally don't see birds at night." Gary Bell my comedy bud on this trip answered " Those aren't birds they're BATS." " Really...I'm smoking inside" 2 days later we we grounded by a class 2 typhoon. I was freaking out. Gary asked me if I had ever been thru a tropical storm......."I'm Canadain....I'm built for snow!!" but it really wasn't that bad. It was somewhat surreal to on military base with working planes and heavily armed soldiers who had that look like they WANTED something to happen. What did annoy me was when i told what seemed to be every soldier that i was Canadian they all had the same remark..." That's ok..nobody cares about Canada." I wanted to tell each of them...." I know nobody cares about clean water,gun free schools and health care." "I feel bad that nobody is trying to bomb us and we don't have a moron running our country into the ground " "That where we Canadians are seen as good hearted hockey loving beer drinkers" I wish I could have said that once but they were heavily armed. After Japan we were off to Korea..that was stranger...NO ENGLISH AT ALL !! Japan is very bilingual. So it was all about talking slow and hand signals. But, at lease no bats. During my tour I was almost hit by a car twice....they drive on the other side,ate amazing sushi, flew 11 times in 13 days for over 16500 miles and didn't really sleep the 2 weeks I was away and the 10days I was home... An amazing trip. So now I'm home or at lease on this continent for a while.Lots coming up and I will resume my weekly blobs. thanks for being patient and reading Positive vibes to all August 8,2007 Howdy !!!!! It's been a fun month . Gigged at The House of Comedy in Niagara Falls. I was on stage talking to this guy who was a retired prison guard and it was his B-day. I asked him what did he get and he was a little slow to answer so in my always charming way I said..." I know you're not use to talking to Black guys NOT wearing orange but don't be scared" I know I should get beat up more often. That was followed by a weekend in Youngstown Ohio. I know stop bragging. The last time I played this room I had my WORST weekend ever as a comic (See July,26,2007 blog) I really didn't want to go. Stressed about it but I ended up having an AMAZING weekend !!! Great shows and the staff couldn't have been nicer. Then it was off to Toronto ( I hate the LEAFS !!!) Everybody warned me that the club was crap and that the staff weren't the friendliest but once again GREAT SHOWS and staff. It's all about the secret !!!!! I'm home for a bit and getting ready for my U.S.O Tour of Korea. For any single ladies that are looking for a military man I am accepting resumes to bring over. **** Remember Daddy gets 10% !!!!!! Positive Vibes to all July 12, 2007 Howdy just got back from my weekend at Joey's Live in Michigan. Once again an adventure took place in Jockoland. According to my trusty GPS it was going to take about 8 hours to get to my gig. So I left at 10;30....you can do the math. I was making good time UNTIL...I hit Toronto.......god I HATE that city. So thanks to the 24 hour traffic of that city I lost about an hour. But, i still had about an hour to spare. So i gunned it until I hit more traffic outside of Toronto. Mind you this was at 430 in the afternoon.I got to the boarder at about 645. My show was at 8 and I didn't have to be on stage until 8'45...once again you can do the math. Well I waited and HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES to cross the boarder. Now I'm late. I called the club and they said don't worry you have time. Once again I gunned the engine doing about 140 kms thats about 86 mph at least that's what the State trooper told me when he pulled me over....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK !!!! The good thing is that he didn't give me a ticket. So let's recap I had a show at 8,wasn't going to be on stage until 845 I got there at 920 !!!! For the first time in my 13 year career I missed a gig. Double FUUUUUUUCK!!!! The club was cool and the weekend went well.I did have fun with one heckler. I mentioned that I was inter-racial and then at the end of my show I was plugging my DVD "Funny Bald NEGRO" to which some drunk broad and I mean it in the worst way said..."you're not black...when not "Funny Bald white guy" I replied how about I call it.."SHUT THE FUCK UP !!!" and I went on.." Don't worry honey you'll get to your AA meeting after the show. I'll even give you a ride back to your trailer" I know ..classy as always! You know what's funny nobody even questions my race in Canada...maybe they're scared of me...LOL But, never trying to be board I went shopping with my friend Christina and we went into this fancy pet store. I noticed that they had cakes,cookies and treats for dogs that looked like people food. I was joking with the clerk.." How many guys buys these as a joke for there friends???" "Would you like to try one?" I did not too bad and my teeth have never been whiter !!! Off to Niagara Falls this weekend and trust me I'm leaving at 4 am !!!! Positive vibes to all June 22,2007 Just got back from another fun week at Absolute Comedy an as always my mouth was hard at work...that sounds wrong. I was talking to the crowd, asking if anyone was celebrating anything. A guy shouted.."Birthday over here!!" With a rather thick accent. So being the jerk I am I answered him in the same accent,charming as always. I asked where your from, he replied...SYRERA..........D'OH ! I shouldn't really make fun of THAT accent. So I played if off..." I'm sorry,I'm just kidding,don't get mad I don't want to move my car!!"He laughed, THANK GOD!!. I also filmed an episode of "Prank Patrol" for YTV (Canada's version of Nickelodeon) it's kinda like Punk'ed for kids. Any way I was part of the prank being pulled. Now as you know I LOVE kids so I played my part which was mostly improvised but I had to be aware to NOT SWEAR. Well one of the stuns involved a guy crashing into a car on his bike. When he did , the 12 year boy we were pranking clearly said...on the mike...SHIT did you see that??? Oh sure he can say it but if I said..come here you little fucker all sorts of lawsuits would have ensued. Still quiet on the comedy scene. Tomorrow night,June 23 I'm living my dream of DJING live on the radio...WOOHOO!!!!! A 20 year dream finally reached. Everyone please NEVER let a dream go!!! No matter how big . It's the best feeling in the world when you realize it. POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!! June 13,2007 Greetings all !!!! I know, once again I've fallen behind in my "blogging" well I'll make up for it with this one. Had a pretty stressful beginning of the month, not to many shows booked but that doesn't mean things haven't happened. I did a show in Brasher Falls NY. I have gotten lost each and every time I have gone there. But, this time I had a GPS system so no way was I going to get lost.....well. I followed the directions "Moneypenny" was giving me. I call her that because she has a British accent. Well I drove and it said," Turn left,arriving at destination on left"...It was a field. So I re-entered the info and it sent me off,eventually putting me on a DIRT ROAD !!!! Now I'm pissed !!!! I go back to the original path and once again she leads me to a field. I'm sitting in my car just swearing me ass off." This is bullshit !!! My GPS can't even find this place ...WHAT THE FUCK !!!! Just when I was about to throw this thing out the window I look to my right.....THERE IT WAS !!!! I passed it 4 times !!!! I would like to apologize to the fine folks at Garmin. Now for some non- comedy related very cool news. A little background first. I've been Djing since I was 20........To put it in prospective I still have vinyl !!!!! For those who don't know what is.....GOOGLE IT !!!!!. I have said for years that I would give up comedy to spin in a club. ( Not too worry I'm not ) But, I did a show at a club in Montreal called ...THE FIRM. After the show my good friend and Djing mentor Larry Day let me spin for a bit. Well.......... I am now the Saturday night DJ....WOOHOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am foe filling a long time dream of mine. I will be spinning live on the air most Saturdays when I'm not gigging. You have no idea how excited I am about this. Djing was always my dream before comedy. Now I get to live both lives. Thank you:"YODA"...I will make you proud. Well, I'm off to Absolute Comedy in Ottawa this week. It's been a while since I've been there. To everyone out there..... Positive vibes to all May 29,2007 Whaddup ???? Been pretty quiet here on the comedy front. Summer is usually like that but as always fun stuff happens. Last Saturday I did a fund raiser for a pee wee hockey team. (12-13 year old boys )who were raising money to go to Sweden and Finland this summer. ( When I was a kid our field trips were to the local zoo!!!!) I was hosting and some of the boys were in the room. I asked if language would be an issue with these kids. One parent said and I quote...."Say anything you want in front of these fuckers!!!" Can you feel the love ??? So I went up and did my regular show stopping every so often to explain my jokes to the youngins. Saying stuff like..." that's a blow job joke, or that's a vagina joke." They laughed and seem to enjoy themselves. At one point I turned and said "That's a masturbation joke....oh wait you're 12 you're probably doing that right now!" Can you feel the love? Later one several of the boys bought my DVD, which really isn't for kids. Then one of the organizers asked if I want to buy a case of beer for cheap. I said.." So now I go from contributing to the delinquency of minors to bootlegging.......my mom would be so proud." Off to Massina New York this weekend. The things REALLY slow down but I will keep blogging. Thanks to everyone who reads this........POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!! May 16,2007 Hey, so sorry that I have fallen behind in my "blogging". Been quiet of late although I had a wonderful last Saturday in Montreal which ended with a standing ovation.I must say it always surprises me. This time it was a little different. I usually end my show with my "country line dance" bit. Unfortunately the CD didn't work. But, and this was amazing the crowd started to clap out a beat for me. WOW !!!!! So I did the best I could and then they stood for me. Actually I should have stood for them. Thank you so much for making my night. But, I did almost let my "oh so big mouth" get me in trouble. As I was leading into my line dance bit a woman from New Orleans was getting a little pissed at the fact I was making fun of the south. I asked her...." You guys don't country line dance in New Orleans????" "NO we don't!!" What came into my mind at that point was to say..." I know you don't line dance down there but you are GREAT swimmers" But I didn't say it........for once!!! The week before I did a show at The Comedy Nest. A guy came up to me after the show and commented on the fact I do jokes about being bald. Then he asked me if I had seen the video of the "bald guy and the woman". I wasn't sure what he was talking about so I said no. Then he takes out his cell phone and shows me a video of a bald guy putting his head......INSIDE A WOMANS VAGINA !!!!!!. Well, I didn't see the whole thing....I like keeping my food down, call me crazy. It was Gross to say the least. The guy goes.."what do you think ???" Well it's nice to see that you carry this around ...ON YOUR CELL PHONE !!!!!!" I'm sure that's why they added this feature. Never a dull moment in JOCKOLAND !!!!. A quiet couple of weeks ahead but I will keep blogging. I'll probably start blogging some old road stories......not to worry the names will be changed to protect the stupid. One final note this Friday is my sister Angie's B-day. Happy birthday my sister. Love you lots !!!! As always POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!! April 24,2007 WOW...am I tired !!!!! Spent 14 hours driving home on Sunday....I know you're jealous. I was gigging in West Virginia and Ohio this last weekend. Shows were O.K but the drive was interesting. While driving through Maryland on our way to West Virginia I started noticing the cities we were passing. Flintstone, Friendsville, also drove past Pigs Ear Road but that was nothing. I came the ultimate place. Now I have been to Paw Paw Michigan and other exotic locals but nothing prepared me for what I saw even took a picture in from of the sign. Yes folks I have been to......NEGRO MOUNTAIN MARYLAND. It's as beautiful as it sounds. WHAT THE..........!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Laughed my ass off. And you know it's now in my act. Not to worry I will post some pics for those of you who doubt such a place exists. Off to The Funny Farm in Broadalbin N.Y.. Nice little room but the 1st time I map quested directions it couldn't find it....YIKES !!!!!! POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL April 16,2007 Hey !!! Well it was an interesting week here in "Jockoland" I hosted the whole week at "The Comedy Nest", my home club. Wednesday night while I was hosting this old mad decided that he wanted to be part of the show. He would just scream out stuff and talk to me whenever I took a breathe. He tried to joke with me saying he was a neurosurgeon but wasn't any good at it so he went into plumbing. I said. "So you went from neurosurgery into gynecology " I know classy as always. Saturday was one of the strangest nights I have ever had. None of it involved me. While we were chilling the greenroom the waiter came in laughing saying that some guy was getting a HAND JOB in the back of the club. Well, it would be rude not to investigate. So I did and sure enough this guy was sitting there while his date "pumped gas. Later the waitress came in to tell us somebody has passed out at there table. Finally last but certainly not less. This REALLY old woman, sitting in the 4th row apparently........let's just say " Lost total control" YEAH...... You guessed it. To which I asked ..."Who was on stage when it happened ? " Trust me that's a great credit to have. " I got a standing ovation" " Oh yeah, I sold 100 cds" " Really, I made a woman SHIT herself I believe I win....." So apparently to me it was "BODY FLUID NIGHT" Thank god the boys form CSI weren't there. POSITIVE VIBES AND BODY CONTROL TO ALL !!!!! April 3, 2007 Well, I'm finally back from my quickie 3 week tour. Had a great time overall but happy to be home. Just finished a weekend at Comix Cafe Rochester. Fun as always. Worked with a Very funny gal names Julie Scoggins. She's 6'2" from North Carolina. The reason I tell you this is to set up my story. In her act she talks about being tall and having "Gay" friends. After the show we were out hocking our wares when this kid chimes in with ......"I have a great idea for a T.V show. Julie can be the tall trucker and you can be her gay friend" Julie told him I wasn't but he insisted it was a good idea. Then I guess he tried to make up for it. He said to me....AND I QUOTE...." So you're from CANADIA ( not a typo ) I love going to CANADIA..." Really is that the planet right next to yours ?????? i wish I had said that....D'OH. Home for 2 weeks doing my local thing then back on the road. Take care POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL March 28, 2007 HOWDY Y'ALL !!!! Just got back from my best western tour ever !!!! Great shows that included 3 standing ovations. Always surprised and humbled by that. Record breaking DVD/CD sales also got to ride in a limo for the very 1st time ( thanks Barry ). Not to worry 4 days later I was on a bus with all my luggage going to the airport.( A rather stylish looking homeless Negro I like to call my self ). Both the Vancouver and Calgary clubs were great and great to me. BUT..... I did have and adventure at the Vancouver airport. I was waiting in line to pass through security when one of the guards ask to scan my boarding pass. Apparently looking for chemical residue. Trust me the only residue they would have found was doughnut dust. As I pass through the metal detector another security quard....at least I hope he was one, ask to give me a body search. He was about 4'7" with an Australian accent. Now I know he's just doing his job but.........He then asked do I want to do it here or in a private room. Thinking again to myself..." I don't think he can break out the latex glove in public I opted for right there". Then asked if I had any "sensitive" body parts he should be aware of. Thinking "I wouldn't touch my dick right now" I said no. So he stared. Unlike on TV where they "pat" you down this guy took his time. Finger by finger....which sounds wrong. Meanwhile every "redneck" and lets just say the people you would normally profile were passing by me. He searched my head........I'M FUCKING BALD !!!!!!! Not too much I can hide. Then I had to undo my belt as he felt me up. Not awkward at ALL !!!! So now he asks me to turn around and remove my wallet from my pocket. So picture this....6'2" bald brother standing in the airport...wallet in on hand boarding pass in the other with a 4'7' white guy "frisking" me. I looked like BORAT !!!! From arriving in town and taking a limo to my hotel to this. I guess my Dad is trying to keep me grounded. Not too worry, I have a whole new bit about this I do on stage. Well, I'm off to the Comix Café in Rochester NY. Let's hope I have an easier time with this boarder. As always POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL March 11,2007 Hey everyone. Sorry for the blog delay.....it's been really quiet lately. But, once again I had a bit of a run in with an audience member. I was hosting the Comedy Nest here in Montreal last Friday night. Good show and I was having fun..until......This one woman in the audience decided that SHE wanted to be the start of the show. She keep yelling stuff out while I was on stage. So I decided to give her her 15 minutes. I asked where she was from. The part of town she lives in is one of the poorer neighbourhoods in Montreal. Picture a trailer part with sidewalks. I said "Great....did you welfare cheque come in yesterday or this morning????" Fair question....TRUST ME. So now she has attitude..." Well, I guess you've never been there!!" " NO I have not....I have a job !!!!!" A little while later I stumbled on a word..she jumped right in..." I guess you should go back to school!!!" not missing a beat I said..." Did you finish High school or were you already pregnant???" I know....charming as always. It always amazes me who people try to challenge comedians at there own game. I'm not complaining I enjoy it. Not every time.....( see below ). Oh well Let the games begin. I'm off on my annual "Redneck" tour of western Canada. Positive Vibes Y'ALL !!!!! February 26,2007 I think I may have blogged too soon last week. Little did I know what was going to happen this last weekend. I performed at The Funny Farm near Saratoga Springs New York. Great little room and they always treat me well. Saturday night I'm doing my show and I tend to open with a joke about being inter-racial....kinda breaks the ice. A little further on I make a black joke about myself to which this woman yells, "But, you're not black........" she's of course white as a snowball. A little later I do another black joke now she seems upset and mentions again that I'm not black.......I'm like...."really?". "How about I whip my dick out and hit you on the head from here ???" Now I'm pissed.....Her boy friend feeling left out and obviously sharing the stupidity DNA with her says.." Hey buddy, this is a white town I don't see any black people here !!!!!" Let me tell you....my heart was pounding and I wanted to just walk off the stage. I wasn't a comedian anymore.....I was one angry BLACKMAN. I wasn't going to walk and ruin the show for the good people that were there. I CERTAINLY wasn't going to let this ignorant KKK couple rattle me. So I plowed on. When the show was done I must have has 20 people apologize for them. The 2 of them I guess went back to cousin fucking or whatever they do. Sorry this story isn't too funny but I just wanted to get it out. Off to Syracuse this Friday...let's hope there's no Redneck convention in town that night. POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!! February 22,2007 I was wondering what I was going to blog about this week. It's been a little slow other than turning 41 this week but something did happen. Last night I performed at Bourbon West here in Montreal. It was a fund raiser for people who take care of the mentally challenged. Well, it didn't take long for me to offended them. There was a table of people who just wouldn't stop talking so as usual I took the show to them. One guy told me his name was "Big Red" I said..." I doubt that". A woman in front of him said that she could vouch for that. I replied..." Really, that's sweet......whore !!!" She laughed the others .....not so much. Did I mention it was an older crowd....you could smell the Metamucle in the air. Anyway, they keep talking and saying stupidities and then I snapped and said..." Can we get some people to help out this family of retards???? " That went over well. Later on an older gentleman, and I use that team loosely came of to give me suggestions about my act. At 1st I thought he was going to complain about my choice of material but no. He proceeded to tell me about his prostate operation and the differences between the types of adult diapers you can wear. Along with the advantages of having a colostomy bag. "It makes you look HUGE" he remarked. After about 10 minutes of this I wished he had complained about my act. Not to be out done he did find me after the show to tell me that his grand mother was black and how he met his black cousins...yada yada. I know I have all the fun. Let this ba lesson to everyone.......BEWARE OF OLD FUCKERS WEARING DIAPERS !!!!!!!!!!. Off to the Funny Farm in Saratoga Springs this weekend. Hopefully, I don't run into diapers boy's relatives POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL February 15, 2007 HAPPY DAY AFTER V-DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, another exciting week in "JOCKOLAND" Performed this weekend in are you ready.....Kirkland Lake, Ontario....I know I can feel your jealousy. As usual I was the only brother for MILES...and I opened the show by asking if they had any brothers. They said yes, Barry. I said, " WOW, how small is your town when you can name your minority???" The next night I was in Timmins, about 2 hours west of K.L. I brought up the fact that K.L had only one brother and someone in the crowd said..." Oh yeah, Barry". I was shocked. I said.." WOW are you guys sharing him ????" "This brotha gets around" which is pretty easy if you're the only one. Not like he can "blend" in. That show was much better than the night b4. Well this week is the Comedy nest then next week is my "Just for Laughs" comedy festival audition. Keep your fingers crossed. Until then POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!!! February 5,2007 Hey......this is 2 weeks in a row I actually update this thing. Well, last week was fun. Performed at Bourbon Street West for a fund raiser and once again my mouth got me in slight bit of trouble. I was hosting and needless to say they weren't groovin on my more 'adult material. But, as always the more they oooohed the dirtier I got. By the end I had somewhat of a divided room. So I pointed that out by saying..." I see, this side of the room fucks and this side are Mormons." Hey...they asked for it. Then I was off to Temescaning Quebec. Great show but I opened with this ..."I noticed on the ride up that all your little towns are named after what's around. Deep River, Trout Lake, No Negros...trust me there wasn't but what a great show. Thanks Carrie, Brenden and Massimo....great time and always remember "Stick to plan A" Off to Timmins and Kirkland Lake Ontario this week. Continuing my."Freeze my Ass Off Tour 2007" POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!! January 27,2007 Hey everyone. Once again it's been an interesting week because of my BIG mouth....or as I like to say "40 no filter. Gigged on Thursday at the Comedy Nest and it was a fund raiser for Mcgil Universities production of..."The Vagina Monologues"...( insert your own joke ! ) I was hosting for a group of young lesbians....I know what you're thinking but wait. At one point I did a joke about women enjoying sex more than men.......A girl screamed out " What about with your partner ???" I played dumb an asked well how many of you play for the other team. A big scream went out. I played it and stared up and said thank you. One girl said..." Don't get to excited......we DON'T like dick !!!!" I replied..."with that tone I'm not sure you like pussy either !!!!" A nice round of OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH soon followed. Later on I did I blow job joke and then explained to the "bitter" gal what that was. She snapped back...( in her best OH MY GOD voice ) "Just cause we're lesbians doesn't mean we're not educated !!!!!" So I went off imitating her. " Oh this Negro is just stupid. I know what a blow job is...I've had a dick in my mouth well a clit is like a mini-dick" They LOVED me after that!! Tonight I did another fund raiser for a local fire department and some of them were there. But, no word of a lie they looked 12 years old. So I teased them. " So what do you do go to fires on your skateboards with garden hoses? Are you even close enough to be near a fire? Can you answer a call after the street lights come on? So as you can tell my filter is getting no better,but they seemed to enjoy it. The lesbians.........NOT SO MUCH. But, I will still rent their movies !!! Positive vibes to all !!!! January 23,2007 Hey everyone..... As you can tell I have a lot of free time so I redid my website....let me know what you think. All is well,recently performed at the "Comix Café" in Buffalo......Great time !!!!! But, as always my big mouth get me in trouble.....kinda. I was doing a bit about sex when I mentioned something about lesbians......then I heard a loud cheer from a group of ladies. I asked if they were lesbians and they said yes and that..."Lesbians ROCK !!!!" Never one to miss a opportunity I responded..." I know....I've rented that movie a few times...." I went on to say..." I've supported lesbians for years.....1 DVD at a time !!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhh that Jocko charm. Later that night I was talking with some ladies when one leaned over and said..." You know..... There's something sexy about you I just haven't figured it out..." Thanks.......I guess. Never a dull moment with me. The year has gone well sofar...I wish the same to everyone POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!! January 8,2007 HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE !!!!!!!!!!! I know I'm waaaaay behind in my "blogging". Well, I have had the greatest and busiest month of my career. ( Thanks Jason and everyone at Absolute Comedy ) Tons of shows and too much booze on NYE........I believe there are a few pics of that floating around. I had my bestest year in 2006. Both professionally and personally. I am so looking forward to 2007 and seeing if the streak will continue. I do have one good story. I was hosting at Absolute one night when a group of lets just say......."drunk old HAGS !!!!!!!" were sitting in the front row. As the show went on they were getting drunker and drunker and began to disrupt the show. I went back on stage to bring on the next act when one of these hags .."WALKED ACROSSED THE STAGE" right in front of me in mid-joke. I can handle any heckler, actually I quite enjoy that but you DON NOT walk on MY stage. I ignored it as best I could. I didn't want to ruin the show for the next guy.But,then she said excuse me and DID IT AGAIN !!!! That's it ,p in out of the grenade and now I'm going after her. I said ..."The hell are you doing ??? I don't go to you house and shake your trailer do I ??????" The crowd EXPLODED !!!! They were totally on my side. Well she decides to answer with " You couldn't cause you're black..." I could feel the audience fearing another "Kramer" incident. I replied..." Bitch, I know niggers in prison that wouldn't fuck you !!!!" Didn't make much sense but the crowd exploded again. Ahh the glamorous life I lead. Well, off to Buffalo this week. Another of my favourite clubs. The Comix Café. I want to wish everyone all the best in the new year. As always Positive vibes to all !!! November 23, 2006 Hey everybody. By now you've probably seen or heard about Michael Richards aka "Kramer" meltdown on stage at the Laugh Factory. Over the last few days people have asked my opinion of this as a comic I'm not sure who's going to read this but I would like to weight in on it. 1st off as a comic I'm embarrassed by the whole thing. Trust me I have been on stage when I've wanted to "break character" and just let loose on somebody in the crowd. We all have. The difference between myself and other ACTUAL comedians is we know HOW to do it. Michael Richards is NOT I repeat NOT a stand up comedian. He's a comedic ACTOR. Telling jokes on stage does not make you a comic. The misconception about my profession is that...."anyone can tell jokes !!!!" NO they can't !!! I'm not being arrogant just my opinion. A true comedian knows the ins and out and ups and downs of performing. That there will be nights where nobody listens,people interrupt or better yet feel the need to try and "help" you. You learn how to deal with that. If you don't your career will be short lived. What Michael Richards did was not comedic or even funny. To me it was a man pushed into a corner by his ego. Figuring .."Hey I'm Kramer......you have to pay attention to me. That's OK whatever I say people will laugh because I'm Kramer !!"Which is more often than not true. But you WERE NOT Kramer that night. You were Michael Richards.........an amateur in every sense of the word. November 9,2006 Hey !!! Seems I've gotten lazy on my blog. ( Still surprised people read this...lol) Things have been interesting. I did a gig for Atlas Canada, a big moving company. The theme of the night was "Moulin Rouge" So they had me dressed up like a ringmaster.( It was just nice to be called "master" ).Well, I had a bit of a run in with the organizer of the show who took time out of her busy day to remind me that I was "working" for her and not to ask questions. Which is a dangerous thing to do to a guy who has a microphone. But, I remained professional and I don't mind saying.....TORE THE ROOF OFF THE PLACE!!After the show she kissed my ass repeatedly. Thanking me for the great job I did. "Who's working for who now !!!!!" Headlined Absolute Comedy this last weekend. Had an AMAZING time as always but, did have an incident. Late show Saturday Martin O'Brian who was opening for me had a brain freeze and lost his place in his act. He recovered perfectly but nothing is funnier to other comics then watching a comic freeze. Well I got up the and the same thing happened to me. I repeated a joke after just saying it. The comics were killing themselves. As always I was professional took the mike a said....FUCK YOU MARTIN !!!!. My mom would be proud. Oh well back to work. As always POSITIVE VIBES TO ALL SEPTEMBER 26,2006 Yesterday I had the pleasure to play in the "Ottawa Senators Alumni Golf Tournament "Had a great time but FROZE MY ASS OFF !! Thank god for the warming touch of Smirnoff Ice. Anyway the show after kinda sucked...trust me after a day of golf and booze nobody wants to hear comedy. But, I must admit I did have one great highlight. When we 1st arrived at the course a nice man came up to the car and said ,"Welcome Mr. Alston, are your clubs in the trunk?" I replied yes and he went and took them out of the car,then told me they'll be waiting for me on my cart. I was with my boy Jason and I smiled...he asked why..."Well, it's always great when a white guy takes the black guys clubs out of the car......LOL" Positive vibes to all September 19, 2006 I know I know...it's been a while since my last update. I filmed an episode of CBC's "Rumours" That was cool. The show will be airing sometime in March or April will let everyone know. Headlined "Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest". After a show one night this adorable older woman came up to me.( Picture your Grandma ). She complemented me on my show saying I was funny and educational. I said thanks and then she asked where the bathrooms were. Ahhh, the glamour !!! Did a show at one of the campuses of Penn State University..let me tell you there's no better feeling than watching a bunch of 20 year olds just stare at you for an hour. I know you want to be me...lol. Things are a little quiet for now but I know that will change. Gotta run. As always "positive vibes " to all and ....GO BRONCOS!!!!! August 16,2006 Hey everyone. Hope your summer has gone well, I've had my busiest summer ever. I recently did a golf tournament for some very nice Jewish men. I mention this for a reason. The show really didn't go that well. Golf tournaments are always rough. But they smile,while staring at the bar. After the show one of the guys came up and told me that I did do well but what I got was "Jewish laughter" A lot of smiling and nodding which apparently a good thing.I got some great news. Also, I'll be appearing on the CBC TV show 'Rumours" this fall. I'll be playing a waiter. How Ironic a comic playing a waiter it's usually the other way around in real life. Thanks for the apron and the tips Tammy !!!!! Getting ready to headline my home club "Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest" which is ALWAYS fun. Last but certainly not least I want to thank everyone who have been buying my DVD/CD's. I've had record sales . So on behalf of myself and the fine folks at Master card ......Thanks for all the support. Positive vibes to all !!!! July 26,2006 WOW!!!!! I haven't updated this in a long time. Well it's been interesting these last couple of months. Probably had some of my "worst shows ever" ( said like comic book guy) @ a club in the U.S. Not only that but questions about my sexuality came up. No biggie I've been accused of being gay for years...not that there's anything wrong with that ( to borrow a line from "Seinfeld" ) Trust me I'm not and I have reference letters to prove it !!!! Had an agent once say she thought I was gay because I apparently glide when I walk. I told her I glide cause I'm cool not cause I'm gay. Sinatra glided !! Elvis glided !! So I think I'm in good company. Anybody who knows me knows I was "metro-sexual" b4 they had a word for it.But ,I bounced back and had some great shows. Performed at "Joey's live" in Detroit, great time!!!!!! Also, at Absolute Comedy in Ottawa, my home away from home. After one show a guy name Ken came up to me and mentioned that his friend whom I was picking on had recently lost her husband,after the initial feeling of guilt and assholeness he told me that she loved the show and really needed to laugh.As comedians hearing some say thank you for making them laugh and forget whatever troubles they have is the most gratifying part of the job. Well,gotta run. Today would have been my Dad's 90 birthday. I miss him everyday but I also know that he's watching out for me. Thank you. Happy birthday Dad I hope you're partying with Duke and Cab. Positive vibes to all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAY 30,2006!! Well I'm back from another western tour and trust me my liver can use a break !!!! Started at "LAFFLINES" in Vancouver had a great time but once again the glamours life of comedy was shown to me I took the bus to the airport. I looked like a homeless guy on the bus. Then is was off to the "COMEDY CAVE" in Calgary. One night Jason Laurans and myself went to this country bar called "Ranch man's". You may be shocked but I was the only brother there. After about an hour of hillbilly tunes I asked a woman do they ever play "normal" music. She said "Oh yeah, around 1". I waited until 2 and said "Fuck this" As I was leaving I ran into her again and said "I thought you said they change the music!" trying to be cute I said can't you pull any strings and she replied and I quote,"I'm not having my period so I have no strings to pull!!!!" well needless to say I was in love......LMAO. You meet all kinds ! The shows went well but my best moment was being in Calgary when MY EDMONTON OILERS make it to the Stanley cup finals. The looks on Calgarians faces were PRICELESS !!! My trip didn't end to kosher. I have a 6am flight to get home. I called for a cab to get me to the airport for 5;30...b4 for you say anything I KNOW I should have been there earlier ! The cab comes and I ask him is this going to cost me $30? He said no,he was right it was $42 to which I told him you could have said something !!!! I get to the airport at 5;30 ,go to check in to find out that I missed my plane. I said," But, it leaves at 6 ?" ' "Well,sir we close the doors at 30 minutes b4."I can book you on another flight. So $160 later I was going home. So lets review,I spent $200 I wasn't expecting and it wasn't even 6am yet. I go to the smoking room and call my mom...yes my mom. It was 8am back home and she was happy to hear from me I said "Mom,sorry about the language you're about to hear." then I went off !!! Which I am sure scared to other smokers hoping that I wasn't on their flight. But I made it home. Got a quiet summer coming up but I'm hoping to change that.Hope everyong enjoys the sunshine and as always...POSITIVE VIBES !!!!! May 9,2006 Hey everyone!!!!! I really have to start updating this more often. Been a crazy, busy couple of weeks. I recently performed at "Absolute Comedy" in Ottawa. By far the best club in Canada. Had some of my best shows ever,ending the week by receiving my second ever standing ovation, what a great feeling !!!! But, as quickly as you can feel that way comedy has a funny way of bringing you back down. I did a gig for 600 mushroom farmers.....no,not those kind of mushrooms...lol. I opened my set by saying..."I'm so excited, I'm in the middle of nowhere in a barn with 600 white guys.... It's my ancestors all over again !!!!!!" The show went well but this one guy whenever I would say something about being black he'd reply with...."You're not really black". "Really?????" "Let me fuck your sister then tell me if I'm not really black!!!!!" A little later on he said it again. Now I had to put a stop to this."How about this I'll drop my pants and mushroom stamp your head from here!!!!!" Gotta love being 40, I truly has no filter anymore!!!!!I'm off on my semi-annual "Redneck Tour". I'll be at "Lafflines" in Vancouver and "The Comedy Cave" in Calgary for the next 3 weeks. I know I'll have some great stories when I get back. Take care all and as always.....positive vibes to everyone April 11,2006 It's been a while since I've updated my site. Sorry about that. All is well in "Jockoland".Recently work with Jimmy Norton of the "Opie and Anthony show" on XM radio. According the "fuckers" at Mapquest the drive from Montreal to Poughkeepsie was only going to take 5 hours. So I left at 1;30 figure I'll take my time . As time rolled on I realise that this is going to take longer. At about 7 I was still 100 miles from Poughkeepsie. I was going to be late and I had no time to get ready in the hotel so I shaved,washed and brushed my teeth while driving 70 mph. Started to put on my shirt and tie while at the toll booth. I'm sure the guy was thinking, "Just give me the money" Got to the club and continued to dress while standing in the parking lot !!!! I know I know....you want to be me living this glamorous life !!!! So that night a woman asked him to autograph one of her boobs, I was standing there laughing while her husband took a picture. Next thing she asks me if I have a sharpie.....I assume she was talking about the marker. I said yes and off came the shirt. I signed my name once again while her extremely large truck driver husband took the picture. He mentions to me that I could have used her nipple to dot an i. I informed him that my medical coverage doesn't work in the states and I enjoy solid food. Also while gigging in Marietta Ohio I asked a guy what he did for a living. He told me in this very heavy West Virginia accent that her works on a "Barge"... "really you mean like with scrap metal or garbage?" "NO, with shit that goes BOOM !!!!!!." I feel so much safer knowing Bubba is in charge of "shit that goes boom !!!!"Off to my favourite club "Absolute Comedy" in Ottawa. Always a great time. Take care everyone and always remember......"true gentlemen dot I's with nipples!" Positive vibes to all February 23,2006 Hey.....well I've had an interesting couple of weeks. I did a show in Syracuse NY to a small but fun crowd. There was this 5 year sitting right up front. I explained to the manager that my act is not exactly "kid friendly". She assured me that the family were O.K with the language. So as i start my act this child is copying EVERYTHING I did on stage. Thinking to my-self I can totally screw this kid up. But, I was a good boy. Half way through I did a blow-job joke and the only laugh I heard was that of the 5 year old. I even said "nothing make me feel more like an adult that hearing the laughter of a 5 year old at a blow job joke. Then I told the parents that I felt sorry for them,because all the way on the ride home your child will be asking,"what's a vagina ?" "What's a blow-job" "Are we Negro's" I'm sure his parents got a call the next day from school. A week later i did a show for a Blind and visually impaired curling tournament. At the end of the show ( I was hosting ) I mentioned to the crowd that it was a bit of a challenge for us because we had to be more descriptive because you are more visual. The I said......"For those of you visualising me I'm fucking gorgeous" then from the back you hear...."Funny, you don't sound gorgeous ?!?!" Well i hit the floor laughing.....not that they knew that....I know bad joke. Ahh the life I lead. Well gotta run, I just turned 40 so 'm running alot slower these days. Positive vibes to all January 31,2006 I know ,I know I haven't updated in a while. Been busy and lazy. I'll try to keep up to date. All is well in "Jockoland". Did a week of shows at the "Comix Café " in Buffalo. WHAT A GREAT CLUB !!!!!! If you're ever out in the Buffalo are PLEASE check it out. You won't be disappointed. Spent a week atUniversal studios in Orlando. That was a blast !!! But, the rides this year didn't go so easy. I was popping more pills than Elvis. Went to Sea world and got bitten by a dolphin....sneaky little fuckers. Details to follow on stage. All and all a great time. Did a gig in Spencerville Ontario the other night....ah the glamour !!!!. Nice little town but believe when I say they've rarely seen a black person live but, I had fun with it. Telling them that for Black History Month they hire some Brothers to be residents. Then this one hillbilly screams......."YEAH...we can break out the shoe polish !!!!!" WOW I've heard some ignorant things before but that takes the cake. Everybody know electrical tape last longer.......see what I did there...LOL. He was harmless and became my "bitch" for the night.Last night I did a gig for a speed dating service or what I like to call the "Desperation Cafeteria" They were already nervous and I tried to get thing going when this one guy screams out.." I paid $28 for dis I want to get to the action" Classy guy. Also he told me "to get any woman all you need to do is spend money!" I know ladies it's hard to believe he's single. I told him that. He didn't get it. I'm sure he got nothing that night... STUPID FUCK !!1.Got a busy month ahead of me. Headlining my home club Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest. Turning 40.... Not looking forward to that and hopefully I can avoid rednecks in shoe polish. Gotta run. Positive vibes to all December 7, 2005 FINALLY !! An update !!!! So very sorry that I have fallen behind. I have a had a CRAZY month. Had an AMAZING western tour. The tour itself started out cool. I get off the plane in Calgary and while I'm waiting for my luggage whom do I see. NHL hall of Famer Lanny MacDonald. WOW !!! As I'm searching for a pen who else do I see, Brian Trottier, Billy Smith ( from my boyhood fave team the New York Islanders ) Dave "Tiger" Williams and the bestest of all.......BOBBY HULL !!!! I was like a kid in a candy store or a Jocko at a buffet. Got all there autographs and waited to be picked up. I called the club Terry ( club manager and a great guy) says,"Jack hasn't found you ?" That wouldn't be hard I was thinking. I'm was the ONLY brother in the place. Unless you count the cabbies. Show went great, my liver is still hurting !! Thanks Jack and Terry I will spread the word. Then it was off to Vancouver. I had never been. It was raining most of the time I was there. I know, "What are the odds !!!" Had a great time at Lafflines. Thanks Barry. I did have a weird thing happen. I've started wearing suits on stage. So I do a show and a woman asks me if I was gay. Now I've had rumours about me for years but trust me I'm not. I have reference letters. Anyway, I said no and why would you ask. "Well, you dress so well and we're not use to seeing that out here." I told her i was from Montreal and we don't get our cloths out of beer cases !!!" I know I'll get flack for that remark. Well since I'm already in trouble he goes. Everything I've heard about Vancouver was true. It is a BEAUTIFUL city. Nice and friendly people but.....you can't swing an Asian with out hitting a Starbucks !!!! I'm amazed that Vancity people sleep at all. Well, I'm home for a very little bit. Off to Saratoga Spring NY then Ottawa before Xmas. I wish everyone the BESTEST holiday season. Positive vibes to all October 29,2005 I'm normally slow in updating my website but I have to tell you this story. As comedians we are always trying and hoping for that "perfect" show. Which in reality doesn't exist but sometimes you get close. I did a show last night at the St. Charles Elementary School, a fund raiser for the students. I must say it was a power packed line-up. Neil Janna, Steven Levesque, Joey Elias and Heidi Foss all rocked the house. I was fortunate to be closing the show. I couldn't have asked for a better crowd. They were with from the get go. I had the greatest time. At the end of my set I received my FIRST ever standing ovation. As performers we all work for audience approval. I thank everyone at that show for making every gig I've ever done worthwhile. Positive vibes to all !!!!!!!!!!!!!! October 23,2005 Howdy !!!!! It's been quite a while since I've updated my site. I've been having a crazy month. Recently headlined "Absolute Comedy" in Ottawa, my home away from home. I felt rusty to start the week but everything went AMAZING. But, once again the glamorous life I lead was alive and well. After a show one night I had a few dances with my favourite duo of "southern and cranberry". As I was at the bar ordering yet another double I noticed an elderly man who also had one too many dances, he looked sick and I offered to help him to the bathroom but I told him , " I'll lead you to the door but for the rest your on your own". He said that would be great but could he have a hug first. Being the classy man that I am I said," I don't own this place, piss on the bar !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" My mom would be so proud.Shows have been great. DVD sales are going great and I'm getting ready for "Redneck Tour"2005. Back to Calgary playing "The Comedy Cave" for the first time. Better get my liver ready for this one. Until next time, positive vibes to all September 26th,2005 Aloha !!!!! Hope everyone is well. It's funny how this comedy thing works. 2 weeks ago I was fortunate to be part of "Absolute Comedy's" 1 year anniversary week-end. Had the GREATEST time hosting those show. Absolute is fast becoming one of the top comedy clubs in the country !!! Still high from that weekend I spent the last week hosting my home club Ernie Butler's Comedy Nest in Montreal. Well, talk about night and day. Some of the worst shows I've had as a host . The type of shows that make me reconsider going back to Blockbuster Video!!!! But, not to worry, I don't want to jump up into that tax bracket. Back on the road this week. Hopefully I make enough to cover a tank of gas.....hey a brother can dream. Positive vibes to one and all September 8,2005 Shalom all !!!!!!!! Had a very interesting show the other night. I was booked to perform for the Jewish Slo-pitch Softball Tournament banquet. I must admit, I was a little nervous, always worried when it's only guys in the crowd. Although, there were several ladies there. I figured the best way to break the ice with my brethren was to learn how to say, "Hello, how are you ?" in either Yiddish or Hebrew. After asking several of my Jewish buds.....none of which knew how to say it......I asked around at the banquet. One gentleman said, "Oh that's easy, just say " Hello, I buy retail !!!!!!!!". Needless to say, I hit the floor laughing. Finally, this lovely woman, who's name I forget, taught me to say..."Shalom Vibisto" which means, "Hello, how are you?"But, I did learn a valuable phrase that I would like to pass on. I believe we'll all be able to use it in the future: "Ich Bin Nisht Yiddish" which means, "I'm not Jewish but, I'll do my best. Mazel-tov to all. August 28,2005 Well, I just came back from my weekend in N.Y. So many times people say to me that life "on the road" must be cool. Getting to travel and see the country, meet people, sounds glamourous.......well, have I got a glamour story for you.We finished our show in Cortland NY, small crowd but very nice. The booker for the show asked if she could pay us the following evening (we were doing 2 shows for her and it wasn't a problem). Feeling a little bummed about the crowd size and lack of payment, (they did pay the next night, no problems at all with that) myself and Phil Shurman, the show's MC, decided to spoil ourselves with some fine dining at our favourite Tex/Mex eatery.....you guessed it,"Taco Bell". It was after 11 and the dining room was closed, but the drive thru was open. We were literally 100 yards from the car. Seemed stupid to cross the street and drive over, so they let us WALK THROUGH the drive thru. As I stood reading the drive thru menu, I said to myself, "My career has peaked". I'm standing in the drive thru of Taco Bell ordering off the cheap menu hoping to get paid tomorrow. WOW....I'VE MADE IT........Let this be a leson to everyone...."STAY IN SCHOOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". August 24,2005 WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been slow in updating my site. Thanks for the reminder Jack !!!!!! Everything has been pretty calm since the "fest". Did a show in Ottawa for a law firm, Soloway Wright to be exact. Now picture this. It was in a barn,in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of drunk white women with plastic guns......NOTHING makes a black man feel safer than that. Show went well. Great crowd. Gigged in Hamilton what a town,what an odor !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIDDING...had a great time. Now things pick up. Off to upstate New York for the week-end then off to my favourite club, besides my home club. Absolute Comedy in Ottawa. My boy Jason will be celebrating his 1 year anniversary of the club. CONGRATS my man, it'll only get bigger from here.Finally today's my Mom's birthday. I Positive wish the greatest b-day yet. I know she won't read this because she doesn't have a computer. Hell, she still calls me to help set the VCR...Love you lots Mom. Gotta run as always, Positive vibes to all !!!!!!!!!!!!! July 26,2005 Well, the Festival is finally over. Maybe now I can get back to regular sleeping patterns and have my liver and lungs detox. All and all, an AMAZING time. All my shows went well. The "Montreal Experience" show was GREAT. I have waited 6 years for my chance and it was all worth It, Solid shows, even though I was shitting in my pants. Kelly McKeigan who booked me for the show even commented on how well I did. Which was a great relef, I feared that after wanting it for so long that I would bomb. Thankfully that didn't happen. "Comedy Night in Canada" was also a success. I couldn't have written the week any better. Thanks to everyone for there support. I hope I 've made you all proud. Now for some really cool news. I had my DVD 'Funny Bald Negro' ( which will be available soon on this site ) reviewed. You can read all about it at www.comedy-gags-jokes.com Well it,s off to Joey's Live in Livonia Michigan. Wish me luck. I've had an amazing week,once again an always "Positive vibes to all !!!!" July 21,2005 WooHoo !!! Having the best time here at the " Just for Laughs" comedy festival. Had my 1st show last night and it went well. I must admit I was nervous as hell but all good.. Received some amazing news. I met with Joel Hoss of XM satellite radio. I'm being added to the rotation on there comedy network. Also, met with Adam Gilad of National Lampoon radio and I will also be part of there rotation. Sooner than you think you'll be getting sick of my voice. Lord knows I am.... Very Very cool. Also, I've met several of my comedy idols. Jeffrey Ross, Jeremy Hotz, Lewis Black and Jamie Kennedy. I'm so very tired and I'm sure I've developed black lung from all my smoking but I wouldn't change a thing. Positive vibes to all. July 13.2005 YO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Less than a week to go before all the "fest" stuff starts.I recently did an interview for "The Hour" newspaper in Montreal. Also, Sonali Karick interview me for CBC Radio which will air on Monday as part of the "Daybreak" show between are you ready....6;30 and 8;30 for all you early risers and farmers. Well off I go again. Thanks to everyone who has logged on..that sounds wrong !!!!!! Talk to you from the "Fest" next week. July 6,2005 Ola....I know it's been a while since I've updated my site. All is well,recently moved...oh what fun !!!!! Performed at The House of Comedy in Niagara Falls. Great Club,congrats Tony. I'm actually back there next weekend ( July 15-16 ) Also did a movie with David Ducuvney ( you know the guy from X-Files ) Very cool. Much taller than I expected. Now I'm just gearing up for the "Just for Laughs Festival". Very Very excited about that. Well, gotta run. I'll be doing daily updates of my festival adventures so stay tuned. Until then..."positive vibes " to all. May 31,2005 Hey everyone !!!! Sorry haven't written in a while. Got some GREAT news today. I've been added to"Comedy Night In Canada" at Ernie Butlers Comedy Nest as part of this years "Just for Laughs Comedy Festival" WOOHOO!!!! I can't believe all that is happening to me. As always..." Positive vibes to all"Talk to you soon. Now I'm off to Poughkeepsie New Jersey !!!!! April 15,2005 I am very proud and excited to say that,I'll be performing at this years "Just for Laughs" Comedy Festival in Montreal ( my home town ). It's been a long journey to get there but, it's all worth it. I'll be performing at the "Montreal Experience" showcasing Montreal's best comedic talent. Trust me,it's a great group. Over the year's I've had so much support and love when it came to this festival. So many people to thank, ( please forgive me if I forget to mention you ). First my Mom, Angie & Karen ( my ladies ) who are my biggest fans Kelly McKeigan....Thanks for believing in me. I won't let you down. Ernie Butler......who's always been in my corner. Gordy "Crash" Mills....."I'll stop pitching and start throwing !!!!!!" Freddie, Jason and J.P my "comedy brothers" My man "Dambra"....Thanks for all the doors you've opened My "Entourage"...... It all starts now....... Tammy........... Thank you for convincing me to try again and believing in me |